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Speedbump

Speedbump

Hello World!

As most of you are probably consumed with the recent revelations that late night host, David Letterman, has a sex life, I myself am preoccupied with, Speedbump.

Speedbump is an 18 foot, 200 lb. Burmese python who lives in a suburb of Orlando, Florida. Did you know him? Would you want to know him? Would you like to wake up and realize, ole Speedy was living next door to you? 

Apparently in Florida, today is Pet Amnesty Day. It allows owners of illegal exotic pets to turn these animals over to the authorities without facing any fines and/or penalties. This program and day came about as a result of a little girl who was strangled earlier this year by another Orlando, Florida pet python.

It has given me cause to pause. As I exit and enter my door I look to the right, to the left, across the street and in my backyard. I wonder aloud “who could be such a huge animal lover that they think it would be nice to raise a creature that would look at me and mine as appetizers?”

I don’t know about anybody else, but with the weight I carry on a daily basis I am now burdened with the notion that I may well be living next to animals that I thought I’d find wild–not in the suburbs.

Some of you might think this is rare. I’d like to remind you that it was only a couple of years ago that some imbecile raised a baby crocodile in New York City to its full-length adult size and he called it a pet!

We need to think about these things when we see celebrities like the late Michael Jackson running around with Bubbles on his hip and remember that this time last year Bubbles’ cousin ripped the face off of a woman up in New England. So now when we sit and worry about poor Jessica Simpson’s little chihuahua that’s gone missing, he may actually have been an appetizer for one of her neighbors’ pets…and as my gait has slowed with my advancing age, I can’t help but wonder if I could be the next animal entree.

Stop the madness, y’all! Leave these animals in their natural habitat and allow me one less concern in my day full of worries. The idea of these dangerous exotic pets living in such close proximity burns me up and sends chills down my spine…quintessential charred ice.

**The Rack**

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